Jananas

I recently discovered and fell in love with the absolutely stunning dye work of Juliespins (etsy or artfire) through a destash on Ravelry. She has an eye for some fantastic and bright colours and her generous braids seal the deal. Most dyers offer braids in the 4oz range. Julies vary from 5 to 6oz, which means that even if your yardage isn’t fantastic that you’ll still have enough for a full project.

A couple of weeks ago, I grabbed one of her braids of fiber in Pastel Chalk and decided to spin it up. I ended up with about 280yards of a fingering weight two ply. As it sat on the bobbin, the colours just screamed BABY. Thankfully a coworker’s wife is expecting a little girl at the end of February. Even though fellow knitters (who know his wife through their mutual workplace) said that she loves orange, my coworker loved the yarn in the skein.

Off I went to find a baby cardigan that met my yardage and yarn weight requirements. I came across this lovely garter yoke baby cardigan that had enough freedom in the pattern that I could eke every last yard out of my yarn. I knit the body first, divided my leftover yarn in half and then knit the arms last so that there wouldn’t be any guesswork about them being the same length/possibly running out of yarn. Lastly, I did a simple crochet edge using Fleece Artist’s Peter Rabbit so that there would be something soft and snuggly.

Seriously, cutest baby sweater ever! The colours are pretty and varied and overall its just adorable. Below is a close up so that you can see the little tiny stitches.

This project was super fast – I think it was two weeks from combed top to a finished baby sweater. The longest part was getting motivated to sew the ends in and block it (on day three of drying out!). I still have to chose a couple of buttons and sew them on, but that’s such a tiny amount of work that I’m not worried.

Its amazing how events that are supposed to bring people together to celebrate can instead drive people apart. There is lots of other stuff going on in my family right now – addictions and rehab and recovery and relationship difficulties between my parents. It hasn’t been an easy time in any of our lives.

It was probably a really bad time for me to finally grow balls and draw boundaries in my relationship with my mother.  I don’t regret it at all because it was the best decision to make for me. As old behavioural patterns continued to play out, I came to the realization that I wasn’t the same person and that I don’t have to fall prey to it. It is okay for me to stand up for myself and to protect myself.

At this point I haven’t heard from my mother in nearly a month. We had a heated discussion right before Christmas. During the conversation I was told that she (and my father) were perfectly okay with decision A if I wanted to make it. It wasn’t a decision with real choices (i.e. I was screwed either way), but I was tired of the game and so made the decision that was right for Jason and I. Apparently, despite telling me that it was okay to make the decision it was still the wrong decision to make. I called Christmas morning to wish my mom and my brother a Merry Christmas and have never heard back. I feel hurt and relieved all at the same time. Mostly I’m amazed at how much less stressed I am.

Planning our wedding has been difficult. There are so many people and factors to consider that we can’t make a choice that will make everyone happy. We’ve tried really hard to be considerate and to take as much into account as possible. For example, the reception is almost halfway between where the bulk of our friends live (Toronto and Ohio) in Ann Arbor. Its in the US because a number of our American friends don’t have passports. My family is split between Kingston/Ottawa and Calgary, so there isn’t a good place way to balance that (if we did have it in Buffalo, it would be too far for many of our American friends to travel). Its on a Friday because, well, we found a venue that we absolutely fell in love with and it was one of the few days they had available in the summer of 2011. We didn’t want to wait for a whole extra year just to make it “easier” for some people. However, we have friends who work corporate jobs (or who are teachers) and we have friends who work retail. So while a Friday may not be fabulous for some people its better for others. See, there’s more than just you and your situation to take into account.

We also gave people almost 10 months notice so that they could plan. And failing that, outside of a few very very important people (and they already know who they are) we’re not going to be mad if you honestly can’t make it (due to travel distances or school or work not giving you a day off). We understand – really! We pinky swear. Life is too short to spend all that energy being Bridezilla.

My mother and I have this strange dynamic. I have no idea what she might say about the situation or me to other people. My only frame of reference is what she says to me, and that is very rarely positive or supportive.

She had wanted to throw a reception in Toronto post-wedding for family, because it “wasn’t convenient” (said in a snarky tone) for them to get to Ann Arbor. [She's even told me that it "isn't convenient" for her and my father to get to the reception or wedding.] I went along with it because its often easy to just go with the flow than to battle my mom, get ignored, and have her go ahead with her version anyway. As she was planning, it started to get ridiculous. As my personal life got busier (working full time, doing my yoga teacher training on weekends & evenings, getting Jason’s immigration application ready) I didn’t have the mental energy to be patient.

Here are things that I was told about the Toronto reception.

1. Either we through the party at the Donalda Club (a members only golf club here in Toronto) or we didn’t through anything at all
2. It had to be at the Donalda Club because my mother wouldn’t invite family to fly/drive to Toronto for anything “substandard“
3. The only frame of reference I have for what my mother considers acceptable is a (very nice) wedding we went to which she said cost $100,000. She once told me that this was the minimum she’d consider okay to spend. It was a very, very nice wedding. It just isn’t us and that’s okay too. [Update from the bride to note that the amount is much more than what it actually cost. Although it is still the figure my mom referenced in our conversation.]
4. This implies that that the wedding that we’re throwing, which is going to cost substantially less than $100,000 is considered to be “substandard” and following the logic my mother is ashamed to invite our family to it.
5. I’ve also been told to make sure that my wedding “doesn’t cost too much money” which implies that even though I don’t want anything major and have no control over how much other people spend, I’m still responsible for it

Some of these things have been said in heated conversation or were probably comments that were said offhand and then forgotten. However, when its all you have to go on it leads to a very difficult position. In our last conversation, I told her that I was hurt that she hasn’t said anything supportive about the wedding (at least not to me). Her response, in a flat and unemotional tone, was that “she and my father are excited about the wedding”. In the same conversation I was told that it was my fault I can’t believe her when she says something. Management 101 will tell you that when your tone/emotion don’t match your words you are sending a mixed message.

I’m tired of the the insinuations that I need to try harder or be more accommodating. I’m tired of the lack of support and the guilt. I’m tired of it being my fault. I’m tired of never being good enough. I’m tired of being put into situations where I can never, ever make the other person happy. I’m tired of the negativity.

I know that I tried my best to balance multiple, conflicting needs and to be considerate of other people. I know that I have made decisions about the wedding that satisfy my and Jason’s own person ethical and moral guidelines. I have been true to myself and Jason has been true to himself. We have made decisions that we are super excited about and can’t wait to come true. As simple as those statements are, they are enough.

Here is my commitment to myself. I will not apologize or feel badly for making decisions that help me reach my goals or that are true to myself. I will not seek support or validation from my mother, because I can give it to myself.

I was doing a small destash recently and came across an entire bag of hand spun yarn that I’d totally forgot about. Seriously, how do you forget about 10 skeins of yarn?

Since my yarn is proving to be popular at Wise Daughters and they have several knitting and crochet workshops coming up, I thought I’d restock. This bag of lovely, lovely yarn is going to be dropped off with Mary in the next day or two. It includes singles, two ply, three ply. It includes sparkles and colour and even one gigantic skein of 440 meters of two ply sqooshiness.

Long time no blog. Life’s gotten in the way. And I’ve been too busy doing things to care as much about blogging about it.

Today I’ve been all excited and I don’t feel like keeping it to myself. We’ve been working more on wedding planning and as things come together I’ve been getting more and more excited.

I spent the odd moments here and there this weekend working on crochet flowers for centre pieces. I have another 21 to add to the pile. I can honestly say that I’m not looking forward to the evening that I’ll spend sewing ends in, but I am 110% stoked about how these guys will look at the end.

I have a fiber habit. In an effort to try to stash bust my bins of spinning fiber, I made my goal for January to spin all 4.5+ pounds of rustic sheep roving I have. Once I’ve made my mind up to get cracking at a project, I’m not very good at waiting. Which explains why I’ve spun about 1.5 pounds already. To be fair, this is a a bulky two ply so it has spun up really quickly (comparatively). I have 6 skeins (three big, three mini) ready to be wet set.

I’m thinking that once its all done, I’ll knit up a rustic blanket on some big needles to give it some loft. I can’t wait to see this come to life! Writing down that I’m planning on spinning enough yarn to knit myself a blanket is pretty mind blowing.

I also have a couple of knitting projects on the needles. One giftmas present that I’ll probably finish up tomorrow. The other is a stash busting item to be put away for the future.

The increase in fiber-related productivity isn’t solely due to the crush I’ve developed on my spinning wheel or my love of organic cotton yarns. Knitting and spinning are both huge stress relievers for me. The moving meditation helps calm me down and provides a steady focus when everything else feels like its out of my control. I feel better when I’m productive.